I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
The air was thick with penises
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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