my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
