If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I didn't notice because vodka
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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