apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Randomize
