No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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