i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
i think my mom watched the whole time
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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