I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
My penis needs a shock collar
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
