but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
