I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
