You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
