happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
