So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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