I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
