if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
