I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize