Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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