Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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