I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
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