Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
