I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
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