she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
