ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
