someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
i now understand why vodka
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
