I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Randomize
