sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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