Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
