thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
