he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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