I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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