too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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