I can tuck mytits in my pants
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
