How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize
