So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
