So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
