Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
