i wish there were pregnant emoticons
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
