my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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