I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
