so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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