walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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