My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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