dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Randomize
