Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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