Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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