haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
