my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
