you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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