New low: just hacked my moms facebook
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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