He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
