Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Can you repeat that, but with context?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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