just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
That was before I lit my hair on fire
please don't ironically join a cult
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