I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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