I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
