The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
That's how pantless uber rides happen
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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