No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
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