i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
being pregnant is like rehab
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
