I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
