You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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