no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
