I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
