A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
