I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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