i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
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