I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
